Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
