I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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