you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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