If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
