I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
