i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
