i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
