i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
