i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
