is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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