Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
