these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
third nipple confirmed
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
