I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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