Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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