My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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