I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
