I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
