I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You're a waste of cheezeits
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
