And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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