Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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