I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
