Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
