Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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