masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
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He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
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You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My bed smells like the plague
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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