I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
