Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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