i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
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Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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