I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
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I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
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The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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