a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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