Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
