There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
