she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
