He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
