I am full of burrito and curiosity
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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