i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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