I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I need to sanitize my soul.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
