seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I didn't notice because vodka
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
