jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
