Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
