Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
