i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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