I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
