He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
