you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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