i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
