Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
