He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
All I want is dick and wine.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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