great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Randomize
