even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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