the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
