I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
