Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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