I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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