I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
