I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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